Friday night, Leo and I had a small gathering at our house before heading out to the bars.
The scene: a few of the usuals are sitting around our dining room, sipping on beers discussing our Friday and figuring out what we should do for that evening. Leo gets out of his seat and begins to clean up the communal area (picking up old Newsweeks, throwing away empty Netflix envelopes, blowing the dust out of discarded shot glasses aka cleaning them, etc.).
So as we're laughing and sharing stories, I can hear Leo's voice cut through the chatter
"What the fuck is this?"
Oh shit.
I'm mid-sip and completely freeze. The rest of the table looks over at Leo.
In his left hand is an open box, in his right hand is a piece of blue wrapping paper.
So@24: Oh that. I-I-I... it's nothing.
Leo: We'll talk about this later, bitch.
It really ISN'T a big deal, but I knew Leo & co. would make it one. Lynn had just sent me a package with some cds in it of new songs/bands she found over the past year. Tossed in some Pixie Stix and a couple sticks of Fruit Stripe gum. And a card with a turtle on it congratulating me on my new gig.
I know it looks bad from the outside and I wish I could record the conversations we have so I can show that it's strictly on a friendship level. She's applied to grad schools in Seattle and will say things like, "With my next boyfriend, I need to..." Doesn't sound like the kind of things a girl would say to someone she's interested in dating. Just friends, I promise.
Later on in the evening, one of my friends Jamie (who is makes up "Couple 1" of the worst couples I've ever encountered on my short 24 years on this Earth) is mentioning another shitty couple might get back together.
Backstory. This couple in question has broken up and gotten back together about 9 times, I'd be surprised if they weren't in double digits. Even when they first starting sleeping together, hanging out together, dining together, going on dates together, etc... the guy wouldn't even admit they were a couple. He'd even insist to the girl that they were both single. Girl can't get over him. He comes crawling back when he wants more sex, cycle starts over again. Shitty couple.
So. Jamie is telling us that this girl is getting back together with this boy for the umpteenth time. I mention that it's ridiculous that they are doing this entire dance over again.
She chimes in with an oh-so-condescending tone, "I wouldn't judge. Look at you. You're still getting packages from your ex."
My face instantly turns hot. I'm livid. "Don't you dare compare my relationship with them. In fact, don't even compare me with YOUR relationship."
There's an uncomfortable moment in the living room and Jack quickly steps in to break the ice. He pours Smirnoff vodka into two shot glasses and sets them in the middle of the table.
Jack: Alrighty! Next person to mention the package has to take a shot. Those are the rules for the rest of the night.
I let it go, but I'm the type who has a hard time letting such an insulting statement slide like that. I'll most likely have a nice chit-chat with Jamie when we're not in a social environment.
The rest of the night I kept thinking about how interesting it is that I'm still protective of that relationship. It's been over for a year, yes. But the intensity of how pissed I got at such an insensitive and completely ignorant statement kind of surprised me.
It makes me wonder if anyone else gets on the defensive when someone verbally bashes on an old relationship.
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I don't know the history behind your break-up since I just started reading but it didn't sound like Blaine insulted your relationship but more of whatever you guys got going on now. Which is what exactly? I'm all for being friends with my Exes, but I've recently discovered that some Exes can't let go and that's when you have to give them the brush off, because it's not fair to either of you. Sure you can say you're friends and its great that you are close enough to be sending each other mixed cds, but from an outsiders perspective (i.e. a prospective new gf) I would be questioning that kind of relationship myself. The choice is yours, but whatever it is, stick to it and don't let ignorant comments get under your skin.
Yeah, I get defensive about past relationships, definitely. I mean, she was a central part of your life for six years. You don't have to apologize for feeling protective about it.
And it's hard enough to handle something like that without friends giving you shit about how you "should" be handling it.
Explain that to him calmly and rationally. And soberly. That's my expert advice.
Did I miss something? "with my next boyfriend...." Are Lynn and her boyfriend not together anymore???
Good call Angela, what happened to her current "we go to therapy" boyfriend?
Also, Jamie was on the defensive because she is in a bad relationship and doesn't understand what it is like to be in a good one.
That's what I think, it is probably wrong but whatever.
That bi-otch had some nerve, eh? I think it's great you and your ex can get along. Obviously that's not something she would be able to comprehend.
Hmmm I'm half tempted to wait for Leo's comment on this before I post my own just to see what he's going to say...
Your friend was out of line but that's just because she knows that she is one half of 'that couple'. But she's not too far off the mark is she?
Tread carefully. You might think your just friends but maybe Lynn has other ideas. Especially if things with her current boyfriend aren't exactly rosy.
And please, girls talk about other guys that they interested in/future boyfriends in front of the guy they are actually interested in all of the time. It's our way of seeing if you give a shit or not.
That's not to say that that is what's going on here. Maybe it is entirely innocent. Just be careful.
Here's the thing with friends...They have most likely heard you whine, cry, and scream about this girl. They most likely have provided massive amounts of alcohol and shoulders. They most likely have helped you plot revenge as well as ways get her back.
So while they may be insensitive and childish they still ultimately are looking out for you. Stick with the ones who do that best.
XX
P.S. And if no one's going to take those shots then dude pass them on over! ;-)
I don't get defensive over my past relationship, but then that's coz we really were a "shitty couple" and I was completely blind. We don't talk anymore, but I speak to my previous ex on and off. I guess whatever comes naturally is what's best. I echo oestrebunny tho; be careful :)
Of course I get upset when someone bashes my old relationship! I get pissed when they bash the Pub Guy -- I'm allowed to do that, they're not. Besides, when they bash the relationship it's really bashing the people in the relationship. I wouldn't and COULD NOT take that from a member of a Shitty Couple.
And, it's totally not unusual to get a congrats-package from the ex. Hell, mine bought me something recently that my friends are kinda having the same issues with. (And that's a post by itself!)
The bottom line, Leo freaked out because he's worried you'll get hurt again and (because he has a Y chromosome) he can't just come out and say it.
Gosh, I had a lot to say about that.
Well, I've never parted amicably... so when people bash old relationships I bash right alongside. But none of my relationships were ever really serious, so its totally different.
Ah, my Charming Hedonist. I promise you that I don't have a problem being scared to say something. As Sabina discovered, I often say too much. Indeed, (and SO@24 will corroborate), I have been one of the most vocal members (critics?) of this "ex" saga. He's heard it from me many a time, and most likely will continue to. I'm not going to start talking about it in the middle of Friday night festivities though... that kind of pisses on everyones parade.
But, more than that, you're right. I'll quote verbatim an email I sent him this morning before this post...
"I never really got a chance to discuss the care package with you. You know I'm not excited about this Lynn resurgence. Not because I wasn't her biggest fan, and not because I don't think you're capable of being friends. I'm wary because I saw the shit it put you through, and if you're like the average person our age (like your blog readers) the friends thing often doesn't work out. It usually ends badly and you find yourself back at square one, emotionally disemboweled.
I don't know Lynn's intentions. I doubt she knows either. I know your friendship intentions, but I think deep down there is a great deal of conflict in that brain of yours. Factoring in the heap of unresolved shit between you two, and the fact that past year hasn't exactly been a walk in the park for either of you, I think the tendency to... regress... back into things is dangerously strong. And things like a care package make it stronger. Regression = huge huge mistake.
Then again, I've spoken from my soapbox more than once and for plenty long. Just don't let me be able to say 'Told you so.' "
There you have it. Leo's two cents.
But yes, it was an awkward moment there. Thank god for those shots of Vodka.
I think your argument is totally legitimate. I would never want my relationship compared to someone's that is so shitty and ridiculous. I'm glad you told that girl off...sort of, haha.
And hey, if the package means you guys are on friends terms then cool. I don't see why it would be such a huge deal.
Yeah, I mean, she made a blanket statement about an intimate relationship of which she only knows what she has seen on the surface or heard second hand news.
So, people are going to talk like that - like they think they know what you had.
The fact you got upset shows how dear you hold it to your heart...and that is your business and that is totally okay I reckon.
It's like when anybody thinks they "know' something personal about me or my choices, I get my back up too.
I think you are doing ok.
I think it's normal to have reacted the way you did. Just because someone else is in a shitty relationship, doesn't mean you were. I still perk up every time I hear my ex's name spoken and we are finally, after three years of going back and forth, just friends. Of course, I still get jealous if he is dating someone else because I want him to be miserable and single forever so he'll always remember me.
But I think it is possible, with time, to just be friends with an ex.
I know how hard it can be to be on the defensive about a relationship. No matter how bad/good the relationship was. If there's someone else criticizing it, you get on the defense. No one else really knows that truly happened to you. Sometime friends are jerks.
I thank god everyday for vodka shots.
Well, heres the thing. How long did you guys date again? I should probably know this- 6 years or so? A long ass time. In comparison to your relationship, the amount of time you've been broken up is nothing. I once read something- not probably the most factual statement but nonetheless- that it takes some half the time of the relationship to really get over someone- so in your case about 3 years.
The fact that you guys are even talking I think is very impressive. If you swear you guys aren't anything more then who is anyone to say different? It was your relationship and it is your break up. No one will truly understand either because they weren't in it. Plain and simple.
Oh and that girl was a bitch. Clearly, if you received a present from Lynn you are on good terms. Now, why does it make sense to insult something on good terms. Even if she wasn't trying to INSULT you, she sure as hell wasn't trying to flatter you so you had every right to give it right back.
It is totally understandable getting defensive. You were with her for a long time. I'd be the same way!
"It makes me wonder if anyone else gets on the defensive when someone verbally bashes on an old relationship."
no. but then we've covered my relationshits.
Wow, So@24, you're gonna need to chime in again here soon. I had the same question- what's going on with Lynn's oil to your water that she's already skipping ahead to "Future Boyfriends"?
Per the defensive, and this is pretty predictable, I'm with Leo here. Not in the sense that Jamie doesn't need to put down her pebbles lest she find a boulder in the living room of her glass house...you were in the right there and I get it. It's particularly uncalled for because you and Lynn are, apparently, good people who are trying to hammer out something as best they can.
But. I've also heard and been a case study on the "Half Relationship Recovery Time" Rule. It's like I don't want to relegate you to another two years in relationship purgatory but this friendship between you and Lynn has moved QUICKLY since that phone call a little bit back and, in echo, tread lightly. Like you needed to hear that again.
yeah, that was Jamie's bad. the situation is entirely different as you are not 1/2 of a shitty couple.
but if one other person calls her a bitch i'm going to have to beat some blogger ass. with the exception of the Year's Dumbest Comment, you know she's looking out for you.
V
While it's nice to see that you and Lynn are on friendly terms, I've discovered that being-friends-with-your-ex is emotionally dangerous territory though you seem to be handling it well. As for the comment - I dont think it was meant to insult but more to wonder why you're still in contact with her. Some believe that you should just cut your exes out of your life, some don't. I'm still wondering about that.
Do I get defensive? No...because I don't have anything to be defensive about....two major relationships that ended as shitshowwy train wrecks? defend that? ha!
My darling Leo, (again, batting eyes)
I need to clarify:
"The bottom line, Leo freaked out because he's worried you'll get hurt again and (because he has a Y chromosome) he can't just come out and say it."
simply means that you probably reacted the way you did because it's difficult for the majority of men (hence the Y chromosome reference) to say to their pals "Hey, I'm really scared for you about this whole thing because I think you're going to get hurt again and, because I care about you, I don't want you to have to go through that".
Now, I realize that I have grouped you in with "most men" and probably shouldn't have. It was indeed an error on my part. My apologies that my intent was not clear.
And yes, it would have pissed on everyone's parade.
-- The Charming Hedonist
(p.s. -- hi 24)
After blogging about the hundred reasons why I hate my (ex) husband, I invited everyone to jump on board.
With age, you'll realize that the only one that matters is the two that were in the relationship. Or not. What do I know. I suck at this relationship crap.
B, I think you got so heated because you're trying to be the better person. You're probably thinking that you can handle not being with ol' girl (that's the name i've given her. if it bothers you, tell me)and still be her friend. Plus, the friend who was giving you shit for trying to maintain that connection is in a bad relationship and NO ONE wants to be associated with or compared to blatant, misguided judgment. Last, consider the source. This person, by your admission needs some help when it comes to her dysfunction. Do what feels right and if you feel like you can't take it, step away.
oh and veronica is not going to beat anyones ass, she'll just give them her death stare. and when she reads this, i be getting that stare too. i'm not scurred. bring it veronica.
I think you should stop pretending that it's just about "being friends". You're so defensive about it because YOU WANTED THIS. You wanted her to come back and call and talk and send you stuff. This is a short jump to hanging out, sleeping together, getting back together.
That's what it looks like from an outsider. Shrugs!
Passionista - Welcome! You've got some catching up to do! Ha!
I shouldn't let it get under my skin. And you're right, she wasn't attacking what we had THEN but what we have NOW. Great point.
Sequined - Her and I had a discussion about it. It was sober, but probably not rational. Oops!
Angela - Oh right... did I not mention they aren't together anymore?
Laughing - Apparently therapy wasn't enough. And the Beatles were wrong with "All You Need It Love" and Tina Turner was right with "What's Love Got to Do With It"
Valerie - You have no idea how true your last sentence was. Because they are still constantly hanging out and are as shitty as ever.
Obunn - I appreciate the concern, you and Leo are often on the same page when it comes to this.
I take everything with a grain of salt and am not looking into anything.
Pocket Secrets - You are a guru! You certainly have a way with words.
Shots on me anytime!
Anon - Gotta go with what you know.
Charming - Looks I got some reading to do re: this pub chap.
Leo always freaks out. It's what he does.
Lisa - Never parted amicably? Even with non-serious relationships? Interesting. I would have thought otherwise.
Leo - "I don't have time to blog"
Katelin - Amen.
Betty - I think I'm doing okay too. Thanks.
Miss M. - Thanks for your optimism. I need that!
Dater X - She's extremely defensive about her own shit, which is why I'm sure she thought it was fair game to start in with me.
ETP - I completely agree. Even if she makes claim that she wasn't trying to be insulting, it certainly wasn't a compliment or anything positive.
Jamie - Nice to know we're on the same team.
Chudys - Relationshits! HAHAHA! Can we please get loaded and blog together sometime?
Cook - I love that metaphor and am adding it to my mental library for later usage.
As for the "it takes half the time", I've heard that too. If that theory holds water, looks like I have two more years to go.
That's depressing.
Veronica - Jamie? Looking out for me? Hardly. I think she was looking out for herself.
And stop always taking up arms and defending her, she's a big girl. She can take care of herself.
Trixie - "Some believe that you should just cut your exes out of your life, some don't. I'm still wondering about that."
I guess we'll find out together, eh?
Charming - Hello again!
Christine - Wow. An ex HUSBAND. And you're no longer on speaking terms? Good terms? That's so so so bizarre to me...
Nik - I love it. And I'm not insulted by the name you have bestowed. And you're right, getting heated about it takes years off my life. I'll do my best to step back.
Did I mention it's good to have you back?
Exy - Ohhh! Keep the gloves up! Love your honest opinion though. But I think you've missed the point completely.
I never denied that I wasn't excited about the process. I just claimed that the process only consists of friendship.
Whereas you think that because I'm excited it must be something more.
I'm extremely happy about hearing from my ex, and I'm defensive when called out on the relationship
but I still maintain that it stops at friendship.
Clear things up?
I love you.
Care package? Seems as if things have rapidly moved forward a tremendous amount...since it was relatively recently that you guys began speaking again. Although I am definitely on board with staying in contact with people who you used to date, I'm concerned that she recently ended her other relationship and might be looking to you as a source of comfort and solace. Given that your friendship is relatively new, and the breakup was clearly very challenging for you, I would advocate extreme caution...
And as for being defensive...normally I think any unwarranted bashing is one of two things, either serious concern as your friend, or projecting personal issues onto someone else.
yes, yes we can.
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