Jack: What did everyone get into this weekend? I've got time for some fucked up stories.
Leo: Which I'm thinking have merit, considering her requests for some, uh, violent... physicalness... in bed.
Jack: Crazy? Violent? Tell me more.
Leo: She wanted to be hit.
Jack: That. is. wow.
Leo: Not with a closed fist, but more like a slap.
Jack: Like where?
Leo: Ass mostly. She asked for it on the face once.
So@24: ...
So@24: ...
So@24: I bought a teakettle at Target this weekend.
Leo: Needless to say, I freaked the fuck out. It got too close for missiles, I switched to guns.
Leo: By which I mean: it's masturbation from here on out. Which by the way, I woke up the next morning to her doing to herself right next to me. It felt like that scene in American Beauty with Annette Bening waking up to Kevin Spacey squealing one off.
So@24: I was going to get the one for $11.99, but decided to take caution to the wind and get the one for $17.99.
Jack: Leo, I miss you.
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99 comments:
That is hilarious!!!
You're adorable. I also get excited by teakettles though...so you're not alone!
And yes, I also have crazy friends, one of whom once told me her boyfriend and her often slap each other whilst getting down.
To each their own I guess?
Uh, let's be less judgemental about people wanting certain things during certain times. IfyouknowhatImean.
*ahem*
Let's not share this with my mother, huh?
Ha ha, awesome!
Tea kettles are badass!
what?
omggggg thanks for the midday laugh...
(mid-day middle eastern time)
...while I drink my third.. maybe fourth cup of tea today?
Tea kettles make me horny too..
bwahahahahahaa. enjoy the tea kettle and i hope leo enjoys the s/mer :P
What a fabulous post!
Gosh, I never would have had Leo down as someone who's freaked out by a bit of spanking!
Oh My Lord I couldn't stop laughing at your teakettle story!!! You're too cute.
HA!
Teakettles are awesome.
And yeah, I'm also pretty surprised that Leo got freaked out by that.
I would assume that he could take it in stride - no biggie.
Stick to teakettles. They're more fun.
You are so cute!! Teakettles; way better than slapping :)
Emma
I say go big or go home...there's no point in getting a cheap tea kettle.
So what kind of tea kettle did you get?
awwww. Did you feel slightly left out of weekend damage story time?
I get Leo being freaked out at slapping someone in the face, but to each their own. I am, however, surprised that he wasn't more excited about the girl going to town on herself. I thought guys like to watch it.
I love tea and teakettles...
Next time tell Leo to give her a good slap across the face. Maybe it will shut her up.
oh. my. goodness...
Why do my comments always entail me wanting to be your friend?
There's so much to love in that conversation...s&m and tea kettles. They go together so perfectly. :-)
I'm totally turned on by teakettles.
And I hate tea.
*laugh* Yes, I watch NFL Sunday Countdown. What can I say - I love sports. Hockey is my true passion though. :-)
Alrighty then!
I had a girl beg me to slap her in the face hard once. I couldn't do it. Stopped mid stroke and told her we needed to have a conversation.
I think purchasing teakettles could be taken as 'fucked up'.
hahahahahahaha. that is all I have to say.
Em
Wow, you're risky! I would have gone for the 11.99. Same thing, but even cheaper.
I was trying so hard not to laugh out loud when reading this, I'm in the library!
You've turned me into THAT girl. The one giggling with her hand covering her mouth who everyone thinks is totally watching porn. And I snorted, SO.
SNORTED. Damn you.
What you're NOT mentioning to the guys is the "tea party" you had with five gorgeous babes, right?
hahaha! I just got a disturbing visual of the teakettle being used as a weapon. Outright frightening!
Where did this conversation take place? Group chat on AIM? hahaha.
Tea kettles are cool, too. Chin up!
Sometimes you gotta slap a ho. I don't see the problem with that.
Slapping me on the ass no problem, slapping me in the face he better be ready to throw down.
OMG. hahhahaah you boys make me laugh. And kinda wet my pants-- in the 'good' way!
The older he gets, he might not be as surprised when another chick asks the same thing. Or gets herself off in bed beside him.
It's not as 'crazy' or as unheard of as he may think it is.
just sayin.
You know, less guys are into that sort of thing than you would imagine. Tea kettle shopping, I mean.
Hahaha.. that's all I have to say!
thank you. this made me laugh so so hard this morning. if it makes you feel any better, your target experience is much closer to my life than leo's crazy sexual encounters.
Damn! This was a good way to start my morning. That girl is definitely very comfortable with her sexuality!
Uh, well... the tea kettle story is almost as interesting as Leo's.
I recently bought a tea kettle too - it's great!
I too mention household items I've recently purchased when I feel uncomfortable.
so wheres the picture of the new teakettle?
Holy crap, you guys are funny!
So is this really how the conversation went? If so LOL. What were they thinking or how were they looking at you when you were saying this lol lol lol.
This is to funny!! Great post :) Wow is all I can say!
Ok, first of all I just decided that I love you and your friends and I wish I was your bff.
Second..THANK YOU for making me laugh!!! I will now be reading your blog every hour on the hour because I am having the shittiest week imagineable. Maybe if I read your blog more often my emotions will be in check better??? Just a thought.
funny shit dude...funny shit
hahaha which color did you get?
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! OH MAN!
This is way too funny because I'm currently making a list of kitchen items that I'll be after once I have a sizable income. Tea kettle is on the list.
I would've gone with the cheaper one...but hey I bought ours at IKEA for $10.
Leo shouldn't be shocked, I do that sometimes after my husband falls asleep, but it's never woken him up...let's hope he doesn't read this :)
HAHA aww teakettles are great. Way to splurge.
That convo totally reminded me of living with my college roomies...I was definitely the one hitting up the Target.
Not kidding... I just LAUGHED OUT LOUD!
That's a fuckin' riot. I need friends like yours.
I'm fuckin' dying laughing over here.
THANK YOU for the laugh!
I definitely think you made the right choice with the 17.99 teakettle. It's a kitchen essential for sure.
=)
I laughed - but was disturbed at your choice of friends (again!) - at this one. Thanks! :)
A little tap on the ass is okay, a slap in the face?? Not so much...I love these conversations between you boys - so hilarious
Leo's got a real freak on his hands. Yikes. If this girl wants to be slapped by him, surely he could talk her into things, like getting on his good friend who desperately needs some.
If I had a freak of the week like that, she'd be all yours for the weekend.
You were so invisible!! Nice try though!!!
Maybe someday you'll be the one telling Jack and Leo about all the crazy stuff you've done with your teakettle...
HAHAHAHAA!! I freakin love you.
haha oh boys.
I love conversations like this. They make the world a better place:-)
hey what does leo's freaktastic girl and your teapot have in common? they both squeal when they are hot and ready. SHAZAM HIGH FIVE VERY NICEEE.
Oh my God. Too funny.
Awhh....thats all I can say.
ha ha, oh dang. But I have to say with the way you describe Leo's romps you would think he would be down with a little adventure. Guess you can't ASSume.
you just make me choke on my peanut butter sandwich. that is not a euphemism.
despite the title of the post i did NOT see that coming.
Have you ever tried Aveda's Tea? Delish...
Eee! You are so cute SO!
This made me laugh till there were tears in my eyes :)
WOW! You are definitely living on the edge!
oh. my. whoa!
duuude.
let me at her!!
lmao. ahhh fudge. i love your posts.
oh SO I love your blog....
I think a lot of people like to be slapped on the ass (read: my disgusting neighbor). but on the face? fa-reak.
So, here I thought ass-spanking was becoming more and more "mainstream". As in, all the girls are doing it now, because it's seemingly "trendy". Hmm. Maayyyybe not.
I like the teakettles that whistle when the water's ready.
Dude, you are becoming frighteningly closer and closer to Steve Carell in 40-Year-Old Virgin.
What? Teakettles get hot. They get so hot they scream. See SO you were on the same page ;)
How do you know that the one for $17.99 is definitely going to be better than the one for $11.99?
Awww. ha ha what color is the kettle? pictures please!
P.S. Did you really get a kettle?Would you use it?
lol!!!!!!!!
Are you a tea man? I guess all half Asians are...I like those kettle things that you just push a button in it and it like super heats the water in like 30 seconds...I used to have one in college even though I think they were considered a fire hazard or something.
awww you're way cute. did you really buy a tea kettle? ;)
Thank you for making me break out into full blown laughter in my office....this was hilarious!
YES! I'm just saying, teakettles are awesome.
Also, my life seems to be as uneventful as yours.
Agreed with other commenters on surprise at Leo's surprise! Maybe he gets around less than I thought he did... :)
And your tea kettle comments cracked. my. shit. up.
Lemme guess - Leo is Germany, right? God bless him...
VI
that's 'in' Germany. But if he's back in the US, what town? You might need to visit...
forgot to add - there is a teabag joke in here somewhere too...
VI
If this matters, your future girl probably won't mind that you don't have raunchy stores to tell! lol
HA. i hear that, um, request isn't actually all that uncommon. however, it is QUITE alarming when it comes WITHOUT the request first, i'll tell you what.
Hahahaha!! Too freaking funny. How's your new tea kettle working?
Sometimes you just have to indulge yourself with the nicer teakettle, you know. I feel you.
Ha - can't be scared of the rough stuff. If sex was made for kids I would still be allowed within 100 feet of that preschool.
next time you should talk about teakettles then insert a sentence or two about erotic asphyxiation, then continue on with your sentence and see if anyone notices.
It's weird to think of SO@24 as a supporting character, but you totally win best supporting actor for this one.
hey what ever happened to your drunk blogger? lol just curious...
That had better be one hot teapot, buddy!
Everyone is paying attention to the slapping and NOT the next morning.
I mean...I have to know more. Was she manual driving that train or sitting pretty cruising in automatic?
It says a lot about Leo:
A. He's so incredible in bed the very thought of the previous night's romp leaves her in need of more.
B. He sucks balls and she had to finish the job herself.
I'm so sad about this...I love your blog (have been too shy to comment), but this is...a wee bit judgmental, shall I say? So the girl likes a bit of pain with her pleasure, big deal. Maybe it's not Leo's thing, but why insult her for having the guts to ask for what she wants? Ugh.
We can discuss the atrocity of the word cute over a nice cup of tea
i liked getting slapped too.
I'm more into the hair-pulling than slapping, but to each her own. :)
Lol--you are a very sad very hilarious man SO.
I too am surprised that Leo would be taken aback by that...
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