The 'rents and Lil' Bro flew down to stay with me for a couple days to help me whip The Sexy Dojo into serious shape.
This mo fo will be the ultimate of bachelor pads, I shit you not.
I spent all Saturday (hung over as hell from the night before) tearing out the disgusting, red-wine 1970s carpeting and hauling it to the dumpster in preparations for the hardwood flooring. It's going to be real cherry. I gotta grow up and live in a big boy house.
The Lil' Bro needed to get away from things back at home. After the infamous lube incident, like most shitty couples, him and his girlfriend got back together. I don't know how many times they've done this tango, I can't keep up. The chalkboard tally of Get Back Togethers VS Break Up Agains is ridiculous. Oh. At this point, they broke up again. Okay, I'm caught up.
Although he voiced to me that he was a little depressed that "this might be it", Lil' Bro didn't really show any signs that he was upset. This isn't surprising, we're known to put up a tough front when we need to. We've been watching Groundhog Day, drinking beers and laughing it up.
Last night, I left to brush my teeth and Lil' Bro went into the bedroom to make a phone call. Mom was downstairs blowing up the air mattress.
Mid-brush, I heard my brother holler from the bedroom. His voice was quivery.
Uh oh.
Lil' Bro: Mom? Can you come up here?
Mama So: What is it?
Lil' Bro: Can you just come up here, please?
Toothbrush still in hand, I peeked out and looked into the bedroom down the hall. My 24 year old little brother was wailing into the shoulder of my mom.
Maybe the beers wasn't such a good idea. They obviously were the keys to opening the floodgates.
Believe it or not, I actually have a history of not being able to express my feelings vocally (typing it out for strangers on the internet? No problem). Although extremely upset during the initial period when my relationship with Lynn was over, I never once shed any tears. And my ex girlfriend can attest to this; I'm not the most comforting person when it comes to crying. I physically stiffen up, grit my teeth, and get weirded out.
But there are few things more upsetting to hear than a grown man bawl. So while my little brother broke down and sputtered out questions like, "How can someone just change their minds after all these years?" and "Why does it hurt so much, Mom?", I put the toilet seat down, sat, and kept brushing.
I couldn't go into the room, I felt too uncomfortable interrupting that scene. Soon there was no toothpaste left on my brush. I had to go into my room at some point, who knew how long this was going to last?
My brother sat on the floor, his eyes red and sniffling. A grown man brought down like that... fuck, that visual is heartbreaking. My mother standing in her pajamas, not sure how to answer his questions, letting him just vent it all out.
My mother, ever the blunt tomboy, turned to me and asked, "So, you went through this when Lynn dumped you, what did you do?"
Lil' Bro turned his eyes to me, looking for some kind of golden ticket out of this hell.
For the first time, I didn't have a response. I pulled my mental pockets inside out and two moths flew out. I clammed up and didn't know what to say.
So@24: You just... get over it. It just happens with time.
I fucking hated it when people said that to me when I was going through it. It's not an acceptable answer to the ears of someone who has just been told by the person they have been dating that "they aren't it" anymore.
But really, it's the truth. There is a reason why that cliche' is a cliche'.
Is there any acceptable response? I doubt it.
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76 comments:
I think what you said to him was spot on, even if it IS a cliche.
Moreover, it fucking SUCKS watching a sib bawl like that. The last time I heard my brother cry like that was for a different reason all togther, but to this day it gets me in the gut.
That was the only answer that comforted me when the ex and I broke up this summer. Because it was the only answer that wasn't completely full of shit.
Thats exactly how it happens. Eventually it doesn't suck so much and you get over it. With time.
Yup. You said exactly what I would've said.
And if it were my bro, I am not sure I could do any better on the comforting part. I am awkward at that, other than proffering up food and treats to make them eat away their tears and forget them..
*sigh* Now I'm wondering how my exes felt.
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It is a cliche, but it's so true. It takes time, it hurts, but he'll move past it.
Poor kid. He'll need a couple more beers and some hugs.
I didn't cry when me and my last ex broke up. I had cried the whole 6 years we were together, I was over it, numb. That saying is a total cliche but it is so much of the truth. You do just get over it, and it sucks to hear that, but it's the truth.
Your brother will see it too. we've all been there. Just stay honest with him.
It's true - that's the only honest answer to give. I still usually go for the "get back on the horse IMMEDIATELY" response, because if nothing else it turns anger into action.
well. if time healed all wounds no one would be effed up in the head, can I get an amen to THAT one?
But really, theres nothing that makes you feel better anyways when you are in the midst of a breakup.
There is no answer that anyone can give to make it better. No matter what I ever heard, it didn't help the pain. It is just time. It is just picking yourself back up and moving on. That sucks for your bro, but better to know now.
poor lil bro! you gave the best answer you could and you said what you've experienced. i'm sure he didn't feel much better after hearing that, but you can't sugar coat those things.
i agree with you. as shitty as it is at the time to hear something so cliche and meaningless, it really is the truth.
life sucks a big one sometimes and all you can do is suck it up and wait for it to get better.
hope he gets to feelin a little better soon.
That is pretty much all you can say b/c it is really the only truth. Pain lessens w/ time. The saying "time heals all wounds" couldn't be more accurate. Even though no one wants to hear that.
What did I do when my best friend was the dumpee? We went camping, got drunk around a campfire, listened to good music and made it back to the city alive.
After that, all she needed was time to remember that there's life outside a failed relationship.
I definitely know what you mean - being told "it sucks less with time and then you get over it" is pretty much the lamest, least helpful piece of advice when you're actually in the situation, but it's really true. I've been chanting it to one of my closest friends for a couple months now, but to no avail. No matter how much you want to, you just can't convince someone that life goes on unless they've been there themselves.
It's the most annoying thing to hear, but it's the best thing to say. You can't lie to someone that's in pain. The best thing you can do is just listen and understand.
Poor little brother.I hope he feels better. It IS hard watching somebody cry, especially somebody close. But maybe you can write down your thoughts/feelings about his break up in a letter for him.Like how you got over it. For me, it was talking about what i felt, writing about it, and just not seeing him. Also NOT focusing on the good times helps A LOT
Oh btw, are you going to post about Bree? Just curious.
There is nothing worse then hearing the words "I'm not in love with you anymore." Your hopes dreams and plans just vanish before you've even had time to make them.
Time is the only thing that works.
Poor lil' bro.
Break ups are tough. You did the best you could.
Aww, I'm sorry for your brother. It is one of the worst feelings ever and NOTHING anyone can say makes you feel better. The cliche is true. We all just need some time, and clarity. After a little while I'm sure he'll realize they were all wrong for each other. In the meantime though... I have an excellent playlist that will make him go from sobbing to wanting to sleep for 19 days straight to drinking gallons of hard liquor. Yeaaaaah, gooood times.
Ugh, poor guy. My heart hurts for him. Though it is a little refreshing to hear that a man can break down like that.
Your answer may have seemed like it was just shit spewing out of your mouth at the time, but it's kind of the only right answer. Everybody has a different experience with breakups, but one thing is the same: Time heals you.
That is so sad. But you're right. Your advice was pretty much spot on.
Bah, it's rubbish isn't it. You hope that the heartbreak you go through will at the very least be able to help someone else. But when the time comes, all you can say is the same truth you were told. Cliche and all.
That answer is the truth though. ou do jsut get over it. It sucks hearing it at the time but that is all one can say.
Tell him to start a blog.
This made me sad. Much as everyone hates to hear something like that, though it's always true and after all the ups and downs, your brother is eventually going to realize he's better off.
He can talk to me if he wants. You may have heard of my somewhat unpleasant recent relationship!
cliche or not, it was definitely the right thing to say to your brother, because there really isn't a guideline or a book of answers for anyone in that situation.
Sorry, Lil Bro. But I think because he broke down, he'll be able to get over it sooner than someone who holds the sadness in. It slowly eats at you.
Have an e-hug. (And I'd so read his blog)
By the way. Uhm. Aren't you FORGETTING something?
you're right. you simply have to wait it out.
Yay, Groundhog Day! :-)
I hope your brother is starting to feel better. Breaking up is hard to do, especially when you have been with the person for a long time. Rejection flat out sucks, no matter what form it comes in.
I think what a lot of people have already commented is true, though - probably the only honest advice you can give a person in that situation is that it will get better/easier with time, as much as the person may not want to hear it. In time, he will come to realize the truth of the statement.
i don't think there is a "real" response besides the ole cliche.
i am sorry to hear your bro going throug this.
I second the comment cleverly made by "Dating Without Pants."
At first, that's all I wanted to say. But then I realized that every now and then we feel compelled to write posts that may not follow the typical "lineage" of our blogs and, for that, I say, "I get it."
Unfortunately, this one is true. And yeah, hearing people say that to you when you're the one hurting doesn't do much, except make you wish you had a crystal ball that would take you months into the future. (or at least pay for that $300 phone bill you racked up while bawling your eyes out to your mom, sister, friends - really anyone who would listen to you cry rivers while trying to sputter out the question, "Whyyyyyyyy???")
Dang...
i don't do well with people crying in front of me. i either freeze up or almost resent them for crying - it's horrible.
I have the same problem as you - I am famously stoic when people yell at me. The Ex had a huge problem with that because he had no problem expressing his feelings, whereas I have serious problems doing the same. When the Ex yelled at me like I've never been yelled at before, I had absolutely no reaction (until later when no one was around). Phew, glad to know I'm not alone!
As for the bachelor pad - I suggest painting one wall a different color from the others as a sort of accent. Flat screen TV is a must, size is up to you.
I'm waiting for the day my little brother will shed tears over a girl.
You wake up every day and it hurts a little less.
Yes I just quoted Swingers. Sue me. It's the truth, something I needed to hear and something I tell people.
I wish my brother would come to me for help.
He barely even talks to me.
Awhhh your little bro....awh....
Did you hug him?
im not so good at the warmfuzzies, either, but someone's gotta be the bad cop. he should start a brother blog, as someone suggested up there. i mean jeez you get a zillion ehuggles a day.
oh and you "peeked out" btw. i hate [love] pointing out spelling errors but i dont think anyone else has yet!
apparantly your major wasn't spelling. it's okay, your blog actually has content, so that makes up for typos.
my little brother did the EXACT THING over christmas. I just cried looking at him breaking down-its fucking heart wrenching.
there's nothing you can say, there are thousands of words to say.... (I have getting my heart broken down to an art these days)... just make sure you call him more, invite him to do things, etc.
HOWEVER: SO, this in an unacceptable blog post. I have been waiting with BATHED BREATH to see how this bree incident went last weekend. STOP BEING SUCH A TEASE! I mean, I like it. but still.
oh sad. so sad. I'm with Deutlich... it is a gutpunch to see family cry like that.
As for your advice, I think you are right that it is a cliche for a reason. There is this weird thing that happens that you almost forget after awhile how terrible it felt... those dark days get blurry and you move on. I think this is because if you truly remember how painful it is, you would never ever touch another human being again. We have to forget eventually so we can continue with our lives.
My Dad feels comfortable enough around me to cry in front of me. I feel comfortable enough to say "Um, uh, would you look at the time...."
I'm not into crying either. I let myself have one good cry after my last breakup and that was it. I'm not sure it works for everyone, but if I let myself dwell on it it does no good.
p.s. I almost left this comment under my new "plum" account. HA
Um, WTF? You pull this on us??? Did you kiss her or not? Your brother may not know this now but he will get over it. Now, tell us what we REALLY want to know.
i don't cry about real things. instead i cry about some kid with anger management problems getting out of the slammer on True Life, and yesterday, a radio commercial about the mandatory switch to digital cable - at the part when the local Fox news anchor says 'and if you have trouble setting it up, call this number, we'll send someone out to help, don't worry, we'll get through the transition together.'
may want to make sure to keep TVs and radios away from the broheem until six or seven months from not to prevent future incidents.
It's like that Tom Hank's quote from Sleepless in Seattle...something to the effect of, "you get up each morning, and hopefully it hurts a little bit less."
I saw my own grown brother cry once over a relationship, and it was literally the worst day of my life.
I think the only you can give is, "You just take it one day at a time."
gotta keep yourself busy... and eventually you'll realize it hurts a little bit less
it does get better, but (as you know) it's virtually impossible to see or believe that when you're chest deep in that shit. i really don't know what helped me when i was there last year - i guess partly, people telling me it was ok to feel as stupid and awful and shitty as i did. i HATE feeling stupid and awful and shitty, and i HATE being emotional, so it was doubly shitty for me to be both heartbroken AND crying like an idiot. so it was nice that people agreed it was normal for me to be crying like an idiot, i guess. :-P
Paints. A paint brush. And a canvas.
love your storytelling!
lil' bro should fight for her and fight for a good relationship. if he can't get either, then it's out of his hands. it's easier to accept life when we've done everything we can. that's why i think it's almost easier to be dumped than to dump.
one of my biggest regrets in life is holding back. i say, express yourself and reach out when you feel the urge, but don't apologize for how you deal.
seriously, cucumber. time to spill it.
That's the hard part of being an older sib. When we have the answers, they generally don't want them. When we don't really have any answers? Heartbreaking. You really couldn't have done any better. Anything sounds trite to someone who is hurting that badly.
Breaking up sucks, as you know. No matter what you would have said, your brother is just not in the right mind frame to take anything you say to heart until he moves past his grief. Still, it's hard having someone you love go through that pain.
Brutal. Trapped in the lavvy whilst your sibling howls his eyes out in the next room. Not a nice situation to be in. Do it Scottish style. Take him out, get him wasted and then spend the rest of the night trying to keep him away from bar brawls and ill informed sexual liaisons. Works every time. Soon be right as rain.
Honestly, there is nothing you can say that is going to make him feel any better. You know that. All the hurt person is doing is looking for some sort of confirmation that it's going to get better and even though you tell them it is, the light isn't even on yet, let alone at the end of the tunnel.
Look how far you have come. But think about where you were in his position and you know that there are no words to help.
Just be there for him. Tell him that you know how he is feeling and that you know no matter what you say, nothing is going to make him feel better or heal his heart. That takes time, just like you said.
Be his friend and his brother and just be there for him. Or you could just let him spend a few weeks with Leo. HA!
Aww, the poor guy. Really, you couldn't have said much else because that's the truth. Time is the only healer, nothing else.
You could've been lame and said "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else," but in reality, that logic simply doesn't work.
awww this actually made me tear up. Stuff like this is the shits, man. It's never easy.
go get him laid. ;)
That's a tough one. You never really know what to say in these cases. "Time will heal" Is the lamest statement ever. True but lame. So you are at a loss as to what to say.
It's hard. I just hug the person and tell them they will get over it and to trust me. There is nothing else to really say.
When someone is in that emotional state, you could say the most perfect thing in the world, and in that moment, it is not comforting or not what they want to hear.
You did the best you could for your bro. You were courageous to walk into the room knowing you couldn't handle something like that.
I'm surprised your answer wasn't "I started a blog." :)
Hope your little bro is feeling better. Moreover, I hope he gets himself the hell out of that vicious cycle and finds himself a girl who doesn't reduce him to a blubbering mess on the floor of your condo.
The only thing worse than watching someone you care about hurting is watching them make the same, painful mistake over and over.
Fingers crossed for you both.
Time and booze heal all.
I hate seeing my sisters' cry.
Unless they were being particularly mean to me and I got 'em with a real zinger.
Joking, joking
Time does help, but it sucks to hear that line.
Love- its a mother fucker, no?
You're totally right.
Time is the only thing that makes it better, even thought it's the last thing anyone wants to hear, or believe.
And even knowing that, I won't wanna hear it if I go through a nother bad breakup.
There really isn't any better advice. I hate using, I hate hearing it...but...you said it yourself. It's true, which is why it's used.
No one ever said breaking up or giving advice to the broken up with is easy.
I feel the same way. I would've said the same thing, but I always remember being in that situation and not believing it for a second. But he'll figure out that it's true eventually.
The only other thing would've been: "You're better off, man. I never liked that bitch anyway!"
But I think what you said was just as good....
VI
Poor Lil Bro!!!! Tell him to start a blog-- best therapy there is.
But it DOES get better with time! So it wasn't like you were lying to him. He'll get over it, everyone does. And that isn't just one of those throwaway nonsense things you tell to people to make them feel better.
Its as if my sister wrote this when I had my break-up with Xtian. It sucks but yes, at some point you do get over it. xoxo for posting this my dear.
More is better just covered the steps of getting over a break up pretty well. http://nicoleisbetter.com/how-to-deal-with-heartbreak
As one of my clever roommates often tells me... Hindsight's a Bitch :)
Sometimes you just need a good cry.
Its true.
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